From Gen. 1:1-2

Before time, the air was so very, very still in the Nothing.

Emptiness stretched on and on and on, with Nothing to break the Unending. All of space, of time, was dim, without a sound or a whisper, without a scent or a sight. All was eyeless, sightless, featureless, quiet.

A light dawned, far in the distance, a pinprick in the blackness. Only a sparkle, a twinkle, only a second, the minutest of moments, but surely the whole of All was lit bright as day. The flash faded, an eon and a moment later.

But the air was new.

No more stale Nothing -- in the Dimness a change had been spoken. Far, far, far away, whispers were heard, languages unknown and new, sounds as primitive and ancient as the stillness itself.

And time began.

The words grew louder, rising and falling, echoing across the formless Nothing. The voice was joined by another, and another, the three matching in perfect unison, pitches breaking in perfect harmony. Nothing shook, and in the deep blackness, water trickled.

It rose in cascades, bubbled in springs, deafening and quiet, shivering with the thunder of the voice and the voices. And the voice, and the voice, and the voice spoke. In millenia, in a second, the water stilled and the voice quieted, nothing more than a whisper and a warm breeze.

Over the deepest waters, a mist blew, caressing and kissing the waters into crested waves and splashing sprays. And the water whispered back, rippling under the weight of the mist, reflecting the face and the faces of the Word, the Eternal, the One and the Three.

Yeah, so new layout.

I was pretty tired of my last one, not gonna lie.

I have something possibly scary to write, so I might not write it today. Or I might just say how nice it is to have a new look on the blog.

Then I might note that it would be nice if I could get a new look for the other things in my life I'm tired of.

And then I might say I'm tired of me. And I'm tired of the way I feel about God. And church.

And then I might say that I'm thinking of abandoning the things I believe in. Not in the "I'm becoming an agnostic/atheist/devil worshiper" way, but in the "I don't think the God I believe in is very much like God at all" way.

I think I've decided to not try to tell God who he is. And what he should do. Or anything, really.

I think I'd like to figure out who he really is, rather than who other people think he is, and what they tell me he is.

My Dad believes God is much different than how I see him, and I'm sure everyone projects onto God other attributes in some way. I've just decided I'm tired of that. I don't want my Dad's God. Or my Mom's. Or Sarah's or Rachel's (I can use them as examples 'cause they're my sisters).

I'm sure some of you are already writing in the comment section that God is God, no matter who believes in him, and that he doesn't change, and all that.

And I'd agree. But if you think that we all worship the exact same God all the time, you're fooling yourself.

This may seem weird, or even non-controversial to you, but somehow this idea has affected me very profoundly. I really don't know what to think anymore.

I'm starting with the premise that God is love. To a lot of people, that means God's a hippy, or is free-love, or something. To other people, that means God's a dad who punishes you, or a lover who cheats on you, or a friend who isn't always there.

To very few people does it mean that "God is patient, God is kind. God does not envy, God does not boast, God is not proud. God is not rude, God is not self-seeking, God is not easily angered, God keeps no record of wrongs. God does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. God always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. God never fails."

But it must.

And I want to know that for sure.

As it is now, and I'm being totally, brutally honest here -- which is another thing we don't do, or do for the wrong reasons, or do as an excuse to hurt someone -- I think God is sometimes boring, and sometimes repulsive, and sometimes kind of hateful.

And I know that's not true, that it can't be true, that it must NOT be true.

But I still think it.

And that just means something's wrong.

So I'm abandoning those thoughts.

It's kind of scary. But I felt the need to share. Maybe some of you feel the same way. Maybe you're already praying I don't go straight to hell for thinking such a thing. :)

But I just don't think it's a bad idea to ask such questions.